Hiding since August.
I recall the emotions vividly, reading, simply reading. It was an autobiography from the life of a talented drummer. A life that had provided an unnurtured and challenging platform of growth. Money, fame, plethora of sexually carefree women… but the impeding torture of being grasped by evil. How he traded everything (quite literally) to be closer to God. So compelled to devour every word, my rejuvenated faith was quantifiable. I completed this book, in its entirety, in a matter of a day. I was hungry, starving almost, to serve with the same level of pure dedication.
Unfortunately, my unremarkable existence (progressing through life in survival) took over and I continued with complacency. A complacency I promised God through prayer I would not succumb to. What evil trap of addiction had befallen me? What heinous substance, behaviour or allurement consumed me? Unbelievably, it was, well.. playing videogames.
Due to not being an active participant in the church for a considerable amount of time, I became fearful on returning to the Lord’s home. Terrified that my ‘part-time’ Christianity would be highlighted and reprimanded by the more devoted. However, in a state of spiritual emergency, I finally found the courage to return. And how was I treated?
I was asked but two things. Two, easy enough to answer questions. “What is causing you pain?” “How can we stop it?”
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Admittedly this is a long piece of prose to declare I’m returning to being categorised as ‘more devoted’. (I could have simplified the message with “I’m back!”, but hey, we’re here now!). But it’s important for me to express that there’s no person on our earth that’s free of failure. We’re all perfectly imperfect. The minister that inspires me will have moments they’re not proud of, the lovely lady who offers complimentary hot refreshments will have moments where she hasn’t ‘loved her neighbour’. They’ll be days where I can prioritise better, be more forgiving, offer help without requesting something in exchange.
But in my hearts of hearts, I’m now desperately trying… and I feel sometimes, that’s okay.